this had me in tears. i am wrestling with listening to what i need, to understand what i feel comfortable forgiving, and how, and when. whether to walk away or dig in. what i actually need and how i could know. love is easy. staying connected is terrible. we're all such walking wounded.
My heart is walking beside you. The hard part is… there is no answer except compassion. And that could tell you either way. It’s such an excruciating discipline. Even if you move before you have clarity, even if you mess up royally, the highest good can still happen. That’s why I’ve started to think that kindness with yourself is most important. Kindness to others after that.
I don't know what it took to write this piece but it is magnificent. I know writing with clear eyed candor ain't for the weak of heart. But it's the only writing I truly respect...if you aren't going deep, why bother? Well done, Susan. I loved getting to know you and Tom more through this post.
Thanks, Eileen. I agree wholeheartedly with all you said about clear-eyed candor. The hardest part of writing this piece now was to write it without asking Tom or explaining my whys to Tom or even asking for his opinion of it. I know he read it, but he hasn't said anything and so I don't ask. Just letting it be there. If he wants to say something, he will.
That is a most evolved attitude. You are right, you can't be terribly wrapped up in getting feedback or permission, but it's human nature to be curious. If wants to say something, he will indeed.
Thank you so much, Susan, for sharing this story. So many parallels for me…especially the giant gasp of the “never-getting-married-never-having-kids-cause-I-don’t-wanna-fuck-them-up” dissolving into “ohshitshitshitshitshit,” blaming a parent for not leaving (I blamed both of mine), and the sobbing in a bed while dating my now husband because trauma grief has no timetable. And yes, realizing that healing may come in staying after all — no matter how much the rebuilding of the life together looks nothing like the house of healed trauma holiness you imagined when you started.
Thank you for talking about this part of being a strong woman. Until a short time ago, I subscribed to the idea that reclaiming my autonomy and strong woman self meant being on my own, not needing a man (after all these years of playing wife and mom and feeling outside myself and too much part of his world/self). But…isn’t that what sent us on this ohshit journey to begin with? The still voice that says “maybe into the fire we’re so afraid of is the way through?”
I'll be first in line to read it. I think that the ohshit journey takes you right into the heart of your fear. It could be leaving or staying, or some combination, too. Mine was the combo pack. I left and stayed at the same time, if that makes sense. Part of that was doing what my soul called me to do without asking permission, having a completely independent life while still living in the same house. For a while, that looked like awkward roommates. Then it morphed into a new and deeper love. I didn't know while I was living it that it was going to turn out so... beautiful. The whole time I thought I was leaving after our son reached this milestone, and then that one. I guess I just want to show that each journey, leaving and staying, is just as powerful. Actually, they are pretty similar. Please write yours.
Yes! All of this — I think mine is in the roommate phase right now, maybe sliding a little bit toward the deeper part…? I feel like I need more time to delve into my deeper self, stay on this path of not asking permission for a while longer so I’m not just skipping ahead to fall back later. So yes, the combo pack makes perfect sense to me.
You’ll be the first to know. ❤️ Thanks for the honesty, the connection, and for lighting the way as we all walk these paths together.
Always! We are all in this together. The more we can tell the truth, the easier it is for everyone. When I was a kid in a terrifying household, we were told NEVER to tell family secrets. HA. But that's the path to liberation. Have no secrets.
Yes! I was told the same thing and even as I kid, I was telling at least one close friend mine. It’s funny, though…one of my closest friends from middle school / high school told me a couple of years ago after we talked again about what life was like in our households, “WOW. I never knew all that was going on.” But then again, i think it’s in the telling. No one else has to “get it,” they just have to be willing to listen to the story and say “I hear you.”
I've had this experience, too. Some of my old high school friends started reading me and said they wished we could have talked about it back then because they were having similar problems. But in a shame and dominance culture, you can't talk about it. You have to perform. That's why compassion and openness are the antidote.
This is such brave and honest writing. Relationships are hard under the best of circumstances. Your story is like some sort of Christmas story. Not the Hallmark kind, but beautiful nonetheless because it's so real, so human.
"I’m glad that I still have my best friend, the one I love, and that we have the long course of years behind us as we round the final turn and head into the homestretch together."
That's lovely. I feel much the same about my person. Thank you so much for writing this, Susan. I'm glad you stayed.
Thanks, Nancy. It's a testament to listening to the still, small voice one day at a time. Oh, and also being willing to do what it says. I'm glad you stayed, too. It turns out, staying takes as much courage as leaving. There's no right or wrong, only what is.
You should know. Did you not bolt your own back door when the twins were born? I smiled when you wrote, "I am a world class wimp when it comes to relationships." Oh, silly friend, you are the most fierce lover of committed relationship I know. Now, that's fucking brilliant.
Marriage isn't easy. And love is not the answer to everything. At least that has been my experience. I stayed too. I came close to leaving, but something inside said to ride this through. That a huge healing would be the result. What was not told to me was there would be lots of yelling, tears, feelings of betrayal, loss of a trust that would never return the way it was before, grief over that. And then building a different trust in the process. Was it worth it, Yes, Did healing happen. Yes. Marriage isn't easy.
My kids are 30 and 34 and as your son, are navigating life much better than I did. Funny to say "kids" when they are adults. But hey, they are my kids! And I feel you, I would love to exit the karma wheel too. I'm done.
Aaaahhh. That is so beautiful, Roy. Thank you for sending it. I didn't get the reference the first time. Just dance! Indeed. We could say, Just love, too. Dance is loving the whole world with your body.
off to catch a long-haul flight, so this is truncated. Apologies. As always, you have the courage to tell it like it is, and keep on keeping on. You can do it! :)
My second marriage ended when my narcissist husband died. I was the only one who could not see who he was, but I was glad not to have to divorce him. I have not been interested in being married again, not for the last 30 years. Twice is enough for me. I am not good at being married.
Phew, I get that. I can't imagine marrying again. I wouldn't have the first time, except my biological clock took a bite out of my ass when I was 33. I have a friend who felt that and still didn't get married or have a child. I believed the biological story and jumped with both feet. I know know I could have resolved everything no matter what decision I made.
Holy moly. The story I’m not ready to tell is the one of my (third) marriage which has a similar outcome because I stayed. The voices of conventional wisdom, the cultural pressure regarding relationships for women (and I mean the judgments, the self help book prescriptions yadayadayada) still haunt me. This is fantastic, Susan. One day I’ll write mine
And I'll be first in line to read it. Thanks, Kelly. Those voices of conventional wisdom can only be projections of the culture or of the person mouthing them. It's so much harder and better to not-know. I'm a not-knower about most things. If I don't even know about my own life, how could I possibly give advice to anyone?
I'm in the middle of a nth rewrite of mine, only to find that the ghosts merge, re-emerge, split, join up, gloriously, even if not where you expect them to. Just dance (my latest obsession).
Magnificent Susan. What a story of courage and willingness. As someone who is very content with just my 7 year old companion, no plans to “get out there” I just fell in love with partnership, reading this. And I love tracing back so much of what I’ve read in your beautiful novels to this story. I’m going to say it again. It’s magnificent
So true. I was just terrified I couldn’t do it. All my friends who were single mothers were struggling so hard. Now, I think I could have done it, maybe. But who knows? You do it with such grace.
Sometimes it is with grace. And sometimes it is not. But in any case, it means a lot to me to have that mirrored back from you. I get to be the Tom-person for him, and in many instances, that has meant being the Tom person for myself. Both have been a great gift.
Thank you, Louise. You made me tear up. I wouldn't have married at all if I hadn't wanted a child so much and didn't think there was any other way. I was terrified that I wasn't enough to be a single mother. I was sure I would mess it up. I watch you and some of my other friends, and I know that I could have, probably. You make it look effortless, which I know it is not.
I know you're an amazing mother too. I was so scared of becoming a single mother, and then it was just such a relief. It is not effortless but nothing worth it ever is!
this had me in tears. i am wrestling with listening to what i need, to understand what i feel comfortable forgiving, and how, and when. whether to walk away or dig in. what i actually need and how i could know. love is easy. staying connected is terrible. we're all such walking wounded.
My heart is walking beside you. The hard part is… there is no answer except compassion. And that could tell you either way. It’s such an excruciating discipline. Even if you move before you have clarity, even if you mess up royally, the highest good can still happen. That’s why I’ve started to think that kindness with yourself is most important. Kindness to others after that.
I don't know what it took to write this piece but it is magnificent. I know writing with clear eyed candor ain't for the weak of heart. But it's the only writing I truly respect...if you aren't going deep, why bother? Well done, Susan. I loved getting to know you and Tom more through this post.
Thanks, Eileen. I agree wholeheartedly with all you said about clear-eyed candor. The hardest part of writing this piece now was to write it without asking Tom or explaining my whys to Tom or even asking for his opinion of it. I know he read it, but he hasn't said anything and so I don't ask. Just letting it be there. If he wants to say something, he will.
That is a most evolved attitude. You are right, you can't be terribly wrapped up in getting feedback or permission, but it's human nature to be curious. If wants to say something, he will indeed.
I love this piece, Susan. So much earned wisdom. Thank you, my friend.
Thank you so much, Susan, for sharing this story. So many parallels for me…especially the giant gasp of the “never-getting-married-never-having-kids-cause-I-don’t-wanna-fuck-them-up” dissolving into “ohshitshitshitshitshit,” blaming a parent for not leaving (I blamed both of mine), and the sobbing in a bed while dating my now husband because trauma grief has no timetable. And yes, realizing that healing may come in staying after all — no matter how much the rebuilding of the life together looks nothing like the house of healed trauma holiness you imagined when you started.
Thank you for talking about this part of being a strong woman. Until a short time ago, I subscribed to the idea that reclaiming my autonomy and strong woman self meant being on my own, not needing a man (after all these years of playing wife and mom and feeling outside myself and too much part of his world/self). But…isn’t that what sent us on this ohshit journey to begin with? The still voice that says “maybe into the fire we’re so afraid of is the way through?”
I may have to write my own essay soon. ❤️
I'll be first in line to read it. I think that the ohshit journey takes you right into the heart of your fear. It could be leaving or staying, or some combination, too. Mine was the combo pack. I left and stayed at the same time, if that makes sense. Part of that was doing what my soul called me to do without asking permission, having a completely independent life while still living in the same house. For a while, that looked like awkward roommates. Then it morphed into a new and deeper love. I didn't know while I was living it that it was going to turn out so... beautiful. The whole time I thought I was leaving after our son reached this milestone, and then that one. I guess I just want to show that each journey, leaving and staying, is just as powerful. Actually, they are pretty similar. Please write yours.
Yes! All of this — I think mine is in the roommate phase right now, maybe sliding a little bit toward the deeper part…? I feel like I need more time to delve into my deeper self, stay on this path of not asking permission for a while longer so I’m not just skipping ahead to fall back later. So yes, the combo pack makes perfect sense to me.
You’ll be the first to know. ❤️ Thanks for the honesty, the connection, and for lighting the way as we all walk these paths together.
Always! We are all in this together. The more we can tell the truth, the easier it is for everyone. When I was a kid in a terrifying household, we were told NEVER to tell family secrets. HA. But that's the path to liberation. Have no secrets.
Yes! I was told the same thing and even as I kid, I was telling at least one close friend mine. It’s funny, though…one of my closest friends from middle school / high school told me a couple of years ago after we talked again about what life was like in our households, “WOW. I never knew all that was going on.” But then again, i think it’s in the telling. No one else has to “get it,” they just have to be willing to listen to the story and say “I hear you.”
I've had this experience, too. Some of my old high school friends started reading me and said they wished we could have talked about it back then because they were having similar problems. But in a shame and dominance culture, you can't talk about it. You have to perform. That's why compassion and openness are the antidote.
Amen, sister.
Hi Susan,
This is such brave and honest writing. Relationships are hard under the best of circumstances. Your story is like some sort of Christmas story. Not the Hallmark kind, but beautiful nonetheless because it's so real, so human.
"I’m glad that I still have my best friend, the one I love, and that we have the long course of years behind us as we round the final turn and head into the homestretch together."
That's lovely. I feel much the same about my person. Thank you so much for writing this, Susan. I'm glad you stayed.
Thanks, Nancy. It's a testament to listening to the still, small voice one day at a time. Oh, and also being willing to do what it says. I'm glad you stayed, too. It turns out, staying takes as much courage as leaving. There's no right or wrong, only what is.
Susan, this is so rich. You are an absolutely brilliant writer with excellent humor. I chuckled so many times.
There are many things I could say, however I am a world class wimp when it comes to relationships.
I’m gonna repost this tomorrow. It’s late now thank you for a great bedtime read.
PS I love the wisdom of no escape and that you actually bolted the back door. Fucking brilliant.
You should know. Did you not bolt your own back door when the twins were born? I smiled when you wrote, "I am a world class wimp when it comes to relationships." Oh, silly friend, you are the most fierce lover of committed relationship I know. Now, that's fucking brilliant.
Ha! I don’t think I bolted the door, but someone sure as hell did and it’s still bolted! You’re great thank you so much
Marriage isn't easy. And love is not the answer to everything. At least that has been my experience. I stayed too. I came close to leaving, but something inside said to ride this through. That a huge healing would be the result. What was not told to me was there would be lots of yelling, tears, feelings of betrayal, loss of a trust that would never return the way it was before, grief over that. And then building a different trust in the process. Was it worth it, Yes, Did healing happen. Yes. Marriage isn't easy.
For sure. It isn’t for the faint of heart. My inner voice kept telling me to stay. I wanted to say: are you sure? Phew. I wouldn’t be young again.
I feel that. Me neither. Especially a teenager and a twenty something.
My son is 27. He's doing young so much better than I did. I'm hoping to get off the karmic wheel after this one.
My kids are 30 and 34 and as your son, are navigating life much better than I did. Funny to say "kids" when they are adults. But hey, they are my kids! And I feel you, I would love to exit the karma wheel too. I'm done.
I think we and most of my other friends have burned off all our past karma.
The view is pretty good from here.
Susan,
The last paragraph says it all (if you haven't already seen it)
Roy
Who Needs Matisse?
The Dance, (1910) https://publicdomainimagelibrary.com/
There are no
straight (life-) lines
on anyone’s hands
in these stories ./..
Most of these stories are Charl’s
In one way or another.
She was the most astonishing
time-traveller / story-teller / standup comic
bounce-back artist, with a perfect sense of timing
verbatim dialogue recall
including even detailed medical records
clear as a bell,
from decades ago.
I won’t try to emulate that.
But let’s see what we can do ./..
And you’ll have to excuse me, but I write
in my / un- / sub- / -conscious minds
alles deurmekaar, as one does,
once you’ve settled in, in the Boland / Towerberg.
(Translations)
alles deurmekaar: all mixed up
Boland: a small part of heaven (with a pinch of poetic licence.)
Towerberg: ‘The Mountain of Spells’ or ‘Colesberg.’
And most importantly ...
It’s an odd thing about ghosts / memoires ...
sometimes people / characters / spirits
fuse /split apart / re-fuse
of their own ‘accord’ (da capo, LOL ...)
like Charl / Charles / Charlie – what a dance to behold!
Respect (with tears on the side) ./..
There are so many ‘twins’ in these stories ./..
They leak ... gloriously ... all over ...
Just Dance!
Aaaahhh. That is so beautiful, Roy. Thank you for sending it. I didn't get the reference the first time. Just dance! Indeed. We could say, Just love, too. Dance is loving the whole world with your body.
Leaving New York about now ...
Safe journey.
Susan. If you find the Buddha on the road, Kill him. Don't forget. And laugh ... to taste.
Right. I like the taste of salty tears caused by laughter.
Well said: "I like the taste of tears caused by laughter." Thank you.
off to catch a long-haul flight, so this is truncated. Apologies. As always, you have the courage to tell it like it is, and keep on keeping on. You can do it! :)
Thanks Roy. I hope you are going somewhere fun. You can do it, too! Sending you so much light and love.
Either way, we each found our way, and we survived. We chose ourselves in the best way we could.
Thank god. Now I hope all the stories about reincarnation are wrong and I never have to do this again.
My second marriage ended when my narcissist husband died. I was the only one who could not see who he was, but I was glad not to have to divorce him. I have not been interested in being married again, not for the last 30 years. Twice is enough for me. I am not good at being married.
Phew, I get that. I can't imagine marrying again. I wouldn't have the first time, except my biological clock took a bite out of my ass when I was 33. I have a friend who felt that and still didn't get married or have a child. I believed the biological story and jumped with both feet. I know know I could have resolved everything no matter what decision I made.
Holy moly. The story I’m not ready to tell is the one of my (third) marriage which has a similar outcome because I stayed. The voices of conventional wisdom, the cultural pressure regarding relationships for women (and I mean the judgments, the self help book prescriptions yadayadayada) still haunt me. This is fantastic, Susan. One day I’ll write mine
And I'll be first in line to read it. Thanks, Kelly. Those voices of conventional wisdom can only be projections of the culture or of the person mouthing them. It's so much harder and better to not-know. I'm a not-knower about most things. If I don't even know about my own life, how could I possibly give advice to anyone?
💥
I'm in the middle of a nth rewrite of mine, only to find that the ghosts merge, re-emerge, split, join up, gloriously, even if not where you expect them to. Just dance (my latest obsession).
Like sea angels in the deep sea? I hope you finish it someday, so I can read it.
You'll be the first to get it.
Magnificent Susan. What a story of courage and willingness. As someone who is very content with just my 7 year old companion, no plans to “get out there” I just fell in love with partnership, reading this. And I love tracing back so much of what I’ve read in your beautiful novels to this story. I’m going to say it again. It’s magnificent
So true. I was just terrified I couldn’t do it. All my friends who were single mothers were struggling so hard. Now, I think I could have done it, maybe. But who knows? You do it with such grace.
Sometimes it is with grace. And sometimes it is not. But in any case, it means a lot to me to have that mirrored back from you. I get to be the Tom-person for him, and in many instances, that has meant being the Tom person for myself. Both have been a great gift.
It’s all about presence. That’s the Grace. I’ve been lucky enough to be in yours. Your son is lucky too.
Thank you, Louise. You made me tear up. I wouldn't have married at all if I hadn't wanted a child so much and didn't think there was any other way. I was terrified that I wasn't enough to be a single mother. I was sure I would mess it up. I watch you and some of my other friends, and I know that I could have, probably. You make it look effortless, which I know it is not.
I know you're an amazing mother too. I was so scared of becoming a single mother, and then it was just such a relief. It is not effortless but nothing worth it ever is!