Awakening Women’s Wisdom.

The Podcast

Photo: Steven Tepper, Pacific Overtures Series

Yesterday, I was invited to appear on the Awakening Women’s Wisdom podcast by one of the women I sing with in a Threshold Choir. Though we are a choir of about 25, when we sing at bedside, only three of us at a time go, one for each part of the harmony - low, melody, and high. Usually, I hold the bottom. As you can probably imagine, the people I’ve met in Threshold Choir are a special breed of cat. Singing for people who are dying is not for the faint of heart, for sure. One thing that might surprise you is how much joy we embody. It’s one of the big perks of accepting your impermanence and turning toward pain rather than away from it.

I just want to drop a line to those of you interested in the more spiritual aspects of my philosophy. On Substack, I tend to emphasize the feminist, political, and mythological sides even though I don’t hide my SBNR leanings. Okay, it’s more than just leanings. I’m always aware that I don’t want to sound like one of those too-woo-woo people. I’m quite practical, and rather allergic to people in the middle of a journey telling me they are at the end. So I focus on my lived experience instead. This interview with these lovely women turned into a satsang that pretty much sums it up in about 30 minutes.

This SBNR side is actually the ground from which all the other parts grew. Now, I’m not sure I would even use the word spiritual anymore, but there isn’t a better one, so… First, I had to get out of pain, stop acting out all over the place, stop dating my father over and over, and over… and all the rest.

For me, that letting go happened in spiritual communities, and those often get a well-deserved bad rap. At each one, I thought EURIKA! I’ve found it: The Answer. Then I was stunned when I saw Mr. Wizard pulling levers behind the curtain, flawed people being flawed, or simply that it was time for me to move on. My inner life pulled me toward all the teachings and teachers I needed, including the academic graduate-school variety, then kicked me out when it was time to go.

After a while, I realized. “Oh, it’s all of it and none of it at the same time.” It all comes from inside. It’s grace, even the bad parts.

Sometimes the whole journey through an institution was a setup for me to say no to external authority, to learn how to become part of a community, and to gain the many other insights I needed. Othertimes, it was more specifically a mirror for my trauma or some rigidly held point of view, allowing me to say the thing, or do the thing, or feel the thing, or release the thing, so I could let the past go. Light bulbs. It’s all Leela.

Joy is the point. That’s what’s real. The older I get, the more years pass, the louder the joy becomes. Maybe, when my end finally comes, the joy will be so loud, I’ll actually die of it. What a way to go.