14 Comments
User's avatar
Bad Woman's avatar

I loved this so much, Susan! This is a profound realization for me as well: all violent voices within should be decentered, not just internalized patriarchal ones that put men on the hierarchical ladder above.

Susan Kacvinsky's avatar

Thank you. That means a lot to me. It’s that false self, the one that slides right into personalizing as a defense, that you wrote about in the post I read today. It’s all the same demon.

Bad Woman's avatar

Yes. Thank you.

Katharine Kaufman's avatar

The beginning with your name! And what a colonizer (us) looks like! (Left, right, am ,pm. Whatevers!) I love how you take us through the thinking. Like that self loathing can't be a thing because self is a construct too! I love how you imply or say outright "The thing is..." and of course I'm eager to find out what it is. And the energy, confidence and voice. And vulnerability. And declarations!! Love.

Susan Kacvinsky's avatar

Thank you, Katharine! It was an amazing experience. Then I wonder, like a winey kid: do I HAVE to pay attention all the time? All of it? So funny.

Elizabeth Yoffe's avatar

So intensely transformative, Susan. I have so many feelings to process after reading this. Thank you, thank for your voice, your vulnerability and your shining self. 🌝🔥

Susan Kacvinsky's avatar

Thank you, as always, Elizabeth. I’m very grateful for your support and sisterhood, Or sistership? I’m really glad we met. That’s all I know.

Robin Blackburn McBride's avatar

Saving and looking forward to reading this, Susan. I'll write back once I've read it. You know I love your essays! And this topic is so important and relevant.

Susan Kacvinsky's avatar

Thanks Robin. I look forward to that.

TOM KACVINSKY's avatar

Another brilliant essay. Each is the result of so much, so much. Your focus serves others so well! Tom

Susan Kacvinsky's avatar

Thanks Tom, who has to live with me while I have the experiences that turn into essays.

Me's avatar
3hEdited

Susan, It means so much to me that you posted this essay. I don't know you, except through your lovely writing. My impression of you was as a very grounded, spiritual and mentally disciplined person. Maybe sitting lotus style in a cave somewhere. Turns out you are just a normal person with normal thoughts. Sometimes obsessive, intrusive thoughts. Sometimes thoughts that aren't even your own thoughts. Wow! Now I feel better.

Fell asleep in yoga class this week. Mentally cussed out my husband for leaving dishes in the sink, again. He said that the dishwasher was full. 😵‍💫. Yelled at my dog for eating another puzzle piece.

Your essay really helps 😅

Susan Kacvinsky's avatar

Honestly is the only thing that helps me stop the quest to transcend. I can be grounded, spiritually and mentally disciplined, AND I can lose my temper with my husband. Here’s what I learned: the one doesn’t negate the other, especially if you tell the truth about it. I’m so glad you feel better. It’s hard enough as it is. Probably you needed to sleep in yoga class. I’m glad you did it. And if you let your husband have it, I bet he’ll be all right. We all need a break from too-good behavior.

Kay's avatar

Thank you. 🙏🏻