Susan! I love the question and answer--who is there? Who is answering the door? And then come on in! (Reminds me of Rumi's The Guest House.)--along with the flowing ideas--a plentiful of what you/ we are experiencing on all the levels! (Trying to catch up! I've missed reading your essays!)
Rumi’s Guest House! That’s the metaphor I was reaching for, though not consciously. I love that poem. Well, and all of Rumi. Especially… “There is a field. I’ll meet you there.” Out beyond right doing and wrong doing. I can’t remember it exactly, but I’m sure you know it.
Yes. So much yes. I hate the vicious circle of fear that leads to less generosity, which in turn creates more fear and so on. I tend to think about these things in terms of social trust, but generosity is a much better, simpler frame for it. Even if it's just the generosity of extending trust to people different from us, even before they give us reason to.
Thank you for this beautiful comment. You elevate being a Bad Woman, to something we can aspire to. I want the T-shirt. Obviously, patriarchy has caused us all so much trauma. What’s not so obvious are the ways we act out that trauma. Cruelty is definitely one way. Stinginess of spirit another. Everything individuals do, the culture does too. We are some hurting puppies.
RE: " The gift of Helplessness and Despair is joy. We can accept it sooner rather than later if we are willing to feel what we need to feel and then do what we need to do."
I'm focusing on the "...willing to feel what we need to feel" part of the 2 sentences above.
The same monotheistic myth that tells us divinity has a gender (male) that dominates all, created the same cultural norms that say men do not feel, do not cry (as it's a sign of weakness, i.e., feminine).
I have a 'chosen family' member named John who lost his husband of 19 years a few weeks ago. These two sensitive men knew each other for 30 years- so the death was a profound loss for John.
John's stoicism at the gravesite was him stuffing down his feelings, cause you know 'men don't cry.' When I told him in a text that my son and I would attend the funeral, a two hour journey from my home, he said it brought "a" tear to his eye because he hadn't "given himself permission to cry (this was 2 days following the partner's death)."
So, how can we help strip away these cultural, toxic male norms, that are learned at pa's knee so to speak? the deep work of "feeling" and acknowledging our own mortality is buried deep in the psyche for too many of us.
In our subsequent phone conversations (John lives in Boston, 6 hours away and his spouse was buried near his family in North Jersey), he said he finally cried at home - but not much. The best I can do for him, a sensitive highly educated man is to call every few days to check-in.
Yup, me too. The willingness part is everything. Also, we help as you did, by driving the two hours to demonstrate our love and caring. That’s right. Calling him his helping lift the patriarchy from you both. Lots of love. You are so brave.
Hi, Susan. I am trying to write a piece about our lost humanity. I found your words very interesting and, if I may, can I quote some of your essay, please? I’ve been thinking about it for many weeks and the more I ponder it, the more I see the links to patriarchal values - that empathy, compassion and care have been rejected because they are seen as female coded. The whole Social Darwinism that “might is right” comes into it too.
Thank you for this. I really appreciate it.
I am hoping to attend the Slam tonight, but it really does depend on how long I can stay awake for. I’m in the UK and it doesn’t start till 10.30pm BST.
Thank you so much. Men have built the cages that constrain us, men and women alike. It feels that joy has been sucked out of our lives because we are simply not “allowed” to be who we really are. As a disabled woman, I feel I have no value in the eyes of society. But I am loved and I love in return. That gives anyone value, beyond what we are “worth” economically.
I go on a bit too 🤭 But then why censor ourselves? Women talk. It’s what we do. As Ross said to Chandler in an episode of Friends:
That's right. Men call it gossip to shame us into silence. Humiliation is the weapon that keeps men in line, too. Live by the humiliation, die by the humiliation.
I’d be so honored if you quoted the post. Also, I don’t think we can say this, and variations on it enough. They want us to believe this is just who men are, so they don’t have to change. But it’s not who men are, and it’s killing them; they are so miserable they are killing themselves. The whole Social Darwinism thing is the pack of lies that Victorian capitalism is the pinnacle of evolution and that God somehow wants the East India Company to rule the world. Pretty convienient, that. Anyway. I do go on. I’d love it if you tag me so I don’t miss the essay. Thanks so much.
That’s it. That’s what I’ve learned. Thanks Kelly. I always recieve your words as gifts, too. We come from slightly different places to say the same thing.
Wow. Yes. Yes. YES. If everyone shifted their mindsets to giving, there'd be so much bounty we wouldn't know what to do with it. I'm not talking about cash. I'm talking about love. Because that's the alternative to fear. And fear has run everything for far too long. And look at the gigantic mess fear has made.
There's a mediocre film about St. Francis, called Brother Sun, Sister Moon directed by Franco Zeffirelli. I just googled it because I couldn't remember the name, and the first thing I happened to find was an absolutely hateful essay by a self-proclaimed Catholic expert, that begins by the writer saying "Released in the early '70s and directed by the Italian homosexual Franco Zeffirelli" So I knew I wouldn't read more. Because that supports the point.
The point is that in the film, there's a scene at the beginning that portrays Francis's awakening when he screams while tossing someone's valuable possessions out, "Throw it all away! It'll never make you happy!" I've never forgotten that line, I quote it often, because it is the bottom-line truth of the mess we find ourselves in today.
Acquiring stuff, grabbing at wealth, is not the answer and it never was, and it's destroying us now. My dearest hope is that whatever happens is not so devastating that it deprives us of the chance to pivot, atone, and learn to live this blessed life in gratitude for all we've been given in a new way. A way that pays homage to the beauty of nature, for all that surrounds us. Gratitude for the smiles of our loved ones and strangers in equal measure until the word "stranger" disappears from the lexicon.
The patriarchy has been whipping its dick out and pissing on everything for far too long. Its tenure is coming to an end and I am cheering that eventuality into existence and I'm looking for others willing to wake the fuck up. There's a lot of that energy here in the circles we're creating.
Giving is a wonderful, life-affirming practice. It's easy, and there are so many ways to give.
Love you from the tips of your toes to the top of that brilliant head, Susan Kacvinsky.
That would be great. I’m so grateful every day. It’s so hard to step out from our conditioning, but that’s where the joy lives. I love how much you laugh, how joyous you are, and how willing you are to feel the difficult feelings, and have the tough conversations when that’s happening, too. And how hard you are willing to work to put your dreams into the world. You are an inspiration.
Felicia, if you stay up late, come to the feminist story slam Susan and I will be in tomorrow. It's called Kill the Patriarchy, and there's going to be so much love in the room, you won't know what to do with it. My treat. DM with your email so I can send you a ticket. It's on Zoom at 5pm ET (II'm in NY). If you don't stay up late, the video of the event will be available on Monday (if tech goes well!).
Sometimes l long to wake to a soft salty wind whispering through the trees in Fingal, Co. Dublin. The US is such a mess. But then, I take a deep breath. This is my country, and they are not going to run me out of it. Thanks for that image. I'll hold it in my heart and take it out when I need it.
Thanks for saying that. I think so, too. And how lovely to read, first thing this morning. And thank you for acknowledging Juneteenth. I'm amazed that this ridiculous excuse for an Administration hasn't invalidated it as a federal holiday. Really amazed. xo
I remember that film so well. When I went to Assisi, I spent 10 days visiting all the important sites. The hermitage, the monastery at San Damiano were so silent from centuries of prayer, it weighed on my eyelids. I went to St. Claire’s church every morning and listened to them chant in Latin. Tom said I found it all so beautiful because I’m not Catholic. But it was them, Brother Sun and Sister Moon I found beautiful. They were right, too. Give and give and give some more. Love always. Forgive easily. Let go. It doesn’t mean you have to take vows of poverty. I love you too. So much. Thank you for everything.
In the year and a half we’ve known each other, I’ve learned so much from you and with you. You inspire my responses. Your words light a fire in me and set free the truth that lives inside me, always has, but now I’m not afraid to access it. I’m not afraid to consider living a new way. I’ve been doing that since before we met. I was deeply in my awakening to life and love as an alternative. When I released my fear of death, of not having enough, of setting my voice free, my life started to make sense, to clear away the clouds that blocked an honest view of what I had to change, and in equal measure, to finally recognize the gifts I’ve always possessed. But my fear of taking risks, of doing something even though it scared me. Those things stopped me for the first six decades of my life. But when I started getting clear, I realized that once I surrendered my fear, things started working and life got easier. Such a great topic, Susan, and you handled it masterfully. Grateful for you every day.
I’m thinking I might read my response to your post at the beginning of the slam. Because you're describing feminism.
Really good idea. Kiss and hug those fears, make them a cuppa, invite them to stay and be comforted by the love in your big heart.
I am reminded of a time in the early 90's working at a bookshop in Dublin called Books Upstairs. One afternoon a couple from Missouri stopped to answer my question about the recent floods in their state.
The woman answered yes it was terrible... and wonderful. Our neighbourhood had never pulled together so strongly to help one another.
My sister in Florida tells a story from a week without electricity. She and her husband found a working power outlet at the dock. They set up a coffee station there. Neighbours gathered and shared time and helped one another.
Great challenge, while I am afraid of it for my adult children, is a call to our true selves.
Oh, I love Dickenson. I taught high school English for many years. Always made sure they got several innoculations from her. I think it’s going to get rocky just as you describe for the next stretch of years. Then, enough of us will shift. “For the times, they are a’changing.” Dylan. Another favoite of mine.
So true! But sometimes… They won’t leave until you kick them out. You invite them for tea and before you know it they’ve thrown their clothes on your couch and left dirt marks from their shoes on your coffee table which is cluttered with their dishes!
Susan, once again you leave me astounded by your deep insights and the way you write. I’m working on my next piece that deals with hierarchies and domination. If it’s okay, I’d love to quote you in it with a link to this.
Susan! I love the question and answer--who is there? Who is answering the door? And then come on in! (Reminds me of Rumi's The Guest House.)--along with the flowing ideas--a plentiful of what you/ we are experiencing on all the levels! (Trying to catch up! I've missed reading your essays!)
Rumi’s Guest House! That’s the metaphor I was reaching for, though not consciously. I love that poem. Well, and all of Rumi. Especially… “There is a field. I’ll meet you there.” Out beyond right doing and wrong doing. I can’t remember it exactly, but I’m sure you know it.
Oh I love that one…
Yes. So much yes. I hate the vicious circle of fear that leads to less generosity, which in turn creates more fear and so on. I tend to think about these things in terms of social trust, but generosity is a much better, simpler frame for it. Even if it's just the generosity of extending trust to people different from us, even before they give us reason to.
Thank you for this beautiful read.
Thank you for this beautiful comment. You elevate being a Bad Woman, to something we can aspire to. I want the T-shirt. Obviously, patriarchy has caused us all so much trauma. What’s not so obvious are the ways we act out that trauma. Cruelty is definitely one way. Stinginess of spirit another. Everything individuals do, the culture does too. We are some hurting puppies.
Thank you as well :). I am very happy that I discovered your writing.
Same.
RE: " The gift of Helplessness and Despair is joy. We can accept it sooner rather than later if we are willing to feel what we need to feel and then do what we need to do."
I'm focusing on the "...willing to feel what we need to feel" part of the 2 sentences above.
The same monotheistic myth that tells us divinity has a gender (male) that dominates all, created the same cultural norms that say men do not feel, do not cry (as it's a sign of weakness, i.e., feminine).
I have a 'chosen family' member named John who lost his husband of 19 years a few weeks ago. These two sensitive men knew each other for 30 years- so the death was a profound loss for John.
John's stoicism at the gravesite was him stuffing down his feelings, cause you know 'men don't cry.' When I told him in a text that my son and I would attend the funeral, a two hour journey from my home, he said it brought "a" tear to his eye because he hadn't "given himself permission to cry (this was 2 days following the partner's death)."
So, how can we help strip away these cultural, toxic male norms, that are learned at pa's knee so to speak? the deep work of "feeling" and acknowledging our own mortality is buried deep in the psyche for too many of us.
In our subsequent phone conversations (John lives in Boston, 6 hours away and his spouse was buried near his family in North Jersey), he said he finally cried at home - but not much. The best I can do for him, a sensitive highly educated man is to call every few days to check-in.
Yup, me too. The willingness part is everything. Also, we help as you did, by driving the two hours to demonstrate our love and caring. That’s right. Calling him his helping lift the patriarchy from you both. Lots of love. You are so brave.
Hi, Susan. I am trying to write a piece about our lost humanity. I found your words very interesting and, if I may, can I quote some of your essay, please? I’ve been thinking about it for many weeks and the more I ponder it, the more I see the links to patriarchal values - that empathy, compassion and care have been rejected because they are seen as female coded. The whole Social Darwinism that “might is right” comes into it too.
Thank you for this. I really appreciate it.
I am hoping to attend the Slam tonight, but it really does depend on how long I can stay awake for. I’m in the UK and it doesn’t start till 10.30pm BST.
Thank you so much. Men have built the cages that constrain us, men and women alike. It feels that joy has been sucked out of our lives because we are simply not “allowed” to be who we really are. As a disabled woman, I feel I have no value in the eyes of society. But I am loved and I love in return. That gives anyone value, beyond what we are “worth” economically.
I go on a bit too 🤭 But then why censor ourselves? Women talk. It’s what we do. As Ross said to Chandler in an episode of Friends:
https://youtu.be/geaNxgFqOlA?is=8t0bpgPCAwWEaxQw
And men call it “gossip” because “feminine networks of information” scares the bejesus out of them.
That's right. Men call it gossip to shame us into silence. Humiliation is the weapon that keeps men in line, too. Live by the humiliation, die by the humiliation.
Ain’t that the truth ❤️
I’d be so honored if you quoted the post. Also, I don’t think we can say this, and variations on it enough. They want us to believe this is just who men are, so they don’t have to change. But it’s not who men are, and it’s killing them; they are so miserable they are killing themselves. The whole Social Darwinism thing is the pack of lies that Victorian capitalism is the pinnacle of evolution and that God somehow wants the East India Company to rule the world. Pretty convienient, that. Anyway. I do go on. I’d love it if you tag me so I don’t miss the essay. Thanks so much.
Thank you. This is well articulated. ❤️
Thank you for saying so. It matters that you took the time.
We give it away to keep it. Or perish.
Your words are needed gifts.
That’s it. That’s what I’ve learned. Thanks Kelly. I always recieve your words as gifts, too. We come from slightly different places to say the same thing.
Wow. Yes. Yes. YES. If everyone shifted their mindsets to giving, there'd be so much bounty we wouldn't know what to do with it. I'm not talking about cash. I'm talking about love. Because that's the alternative to fear. And fear has run everything for far too long. And look at the gigantic mess fear has made.
There's a mediocre film about St. Francis, called Brother Sun, Sister Moon directed by Franco Zeffirelli. I just googled it because I couldn't remember the name, and the first thing I happened to find was an absolutely hateful essay by a self-proclaimed Catholic expert, that begins by the writer saying "Released in the early '70s and directed by the Italian homosexual Franco Zeffirelli" So I knew I wouldn't read more. Because that supports the point.
The point is that in the film, there's a scene at the beginning that portrays Francis's awakening when he screams while tossing someone's valuable possessions out, "Throw it all away! It'll never make you happy!" I've never forgotten that line, I quote it often, because it is the bottom-line truth of the mess we find ourselves in today.
Acquiring stuff, grabbing at wealth, is not the answer and it never was, and it's destroying us now. My dearest hope is that whatever happens is not so devastating that it deprives us of the chance to pivot, atone, and learn to live this blessed life in gratitude for all we've been given in a new way. A way that pays homage to the beauty of nature, for all that surrounds us. Gratitude for the smiles of our loved ones and strangers in equal measure until the word "stranger" disappears from the lexicon.
The patriarchy has been whipping its dick out and pissing on everything for far too long. Its tenure is coming to an end and I am cheering that eventuality into existence and I'm looking for others willing to wake the fuck up. There's a lot of that energy here in the circles we're creating.
Giving is a wonderful, life-affirming practice. It's easy, and there are so many ways to give.
Love you from the tips of your toes to the top of that brilliant head, Susan Kacvinsky.
xo
That would be great. I’m so grateful every day. It’s so hard to step out from our conditioning, but that’s where the joy lives. I love how much you laugh, how joyous you are, and how willing you are to feel the difficult feelings, and have the tough conversations when that’s happening, too. And how hard you are willing to work to put your dreams into the world. You are an inspiration.
MWAH! Thank you. xo
This friendship is sweet to read in the early hours of Juneteenth as I wake to a soft salty wind whispering through the trees in Fingal, Co.Dublin.
Felicia, if you stay up late, come to the feminist story slam Susan and I will be in tomorrow. It's called Kill the Patriarchy, and there's going to be so much love in the room, you won't know what to do with it. My treat. DM with your email so I can send you a ticket. It's on Zoom at 5pm ET (II'm in NY). If you don't stay up late, the video of the event will be available on Monday (if tech goes well!).
I hope you attend live. That would be amazing! If you do, stay and talk after. The stories are amazing and the community is the best part.
Sometimes l long to wake to a soft salty wind whispering through the trees in Fingal, Co. Dublin. The US is such a mess. But then, I take a deep breath. This is my country, and they are not going to run me out of it. Thanks for that image. I'll hold it in my heart and take it out when I need it.
It's such a lovely image. When I read it, it landed as a much-needed balm.
Right? For those of us who decided to stay…
Thanks for saying that. I think so, too. And how lovely to read, first thing this morning. And thank you for acknowledging Juneteenth. I'm amazed that this ridiculous excuse for an Administration hasn't invalidated it as a federal holiday. Really amazed. xo
I like the way we love out loud. It feels... rebellious sometimes.
It does, doesn't it. I often wonder when we repeatedly swear our love for each other if other people think we're lovers. We are. But not that kind!
Does my interpretation work for you? XO!
I remember that film so well. When I went to Assisi, I spent 10 days visiting all the important sites. The hermitage, the monastery at San Damiano were so silent from centuries of prayer, it weighed on my eyelids. I went to St. Claire’s church every morning and listened to them chant in Latin. Tom said I found it all so beautiful because I’m not Catholic. But it was them, Brother Sun and Sister Moon I found beautiful. They were right, too. Give and give and give some more. Love always. Forgive easily. Let go. It doesn’t mean you have to take vows of poverty. I love you too. So much. Thank you for everything.
In the year and a half we’ve known each other, I’ve learned so much from you and with you. You inspire my responses. Your words light a fire in me and set free the truth that lives inside me, always has, but now I’m not afraid to access it. I’m not afraid to consider living a new way. I’ve been doing that since before we met. I was deeply in my awakening to life and love as an alternative. When I released my fear of death, of not having enough, of setting my voice free, my life started to make sense, to clear away the clouds that blocked an honest view of what I had to change, and in equal measure, to finally recognize the gifts I’ve always possessed. But my fear of taking risks, of doing something even though it scared me. Those things stopped me for the first six decades of my life. But when I started getting clear, I realized that once I surrendered my fear, things started working and life got easier. Such a great topic, Susan, and you handled it masterfully. Grateful for you every day.
I’m thinking I might read my response to your post at the beginning of the slam. Because you're describing feminism.
Brava, beautiful soul. You’re a gift. xo
Thanks for being such a deep thinker and for sharing your heart and perspective.
Thanks Blair. You know how demanding those inner teachers are… Won’t leave until you hug and kiss them.
Really good idea. Kiss and hug those fears, make them a cuppa, invite them to stay and be comforted by the love in your big heart.
I am reminded of a time in the early 90's working at a bookshop in Dublin called Books Upstairs. One afternoon a couple from Missouri stopped to answer my question about the recent floods in their state.
The woman answered yes it was terrible... and wonderful. Our neighbourhood had never pulled together so strongly to help one another.
My sister in Florida tells a story from a week without electricity. She and her husband found a working power outlet at the dock. They set up a coffee station there. Neighbours gathered and shared time and helped one another.
Great challenge, while I am afraid of it for my adult children, is a call to our true selves.
"We do not know how high we are/
Til we are called to rise/
And then, if we are true to plan/
Our statures touch the skies./
..... -Emily Dickinson
Oh, I love Dickenson. I taught high school English for many years. Always made sure they got several innoculations from her. I think it’s going to get rocky just as you describe for the next stretch of years. Then, enough of us will shift. “For the times, they are a’changing.” Dylan. Another favoite of mine.
So true! But sometimes… They won’t leave until you kick them out. You invite them for tea and before you know it they’ve thrown their clothes on your couch and left dirt marks from their shoes on your coffee table which is cluttered with their dishes!
So true, but how else will they learn unless shown by example? Lol
Sometimes, of course, sticking up for yourself is the teaching. There’s that, too. I guess you have to be true to the moment. Check in with your body.
Exactly. Sometimes darkness appears as a teacher. Sometimes it's just a demon looking to steal your joy. Fun side road on a meaty piece!
Ya, there’s that, too! If it’s a bad teacher, they don’t have any boundaries.
Susan, once again you leave me astounded by your deep insights and the way you write. I’m working on my next piece that deals with hierarchies and domination. If it’s okay, I’d love to quote you in it with a link to this.
I’d be honored. I say status, you say hierarchies. Same/same.
🙌🌹