I love your mind and the way you string words together that rope me in to your mind and world of seeing things! This was beautiful and I so resonated with all of it 😭
Susan, your mythic story and descent is deeply moving. Oh, I can hear the tension you're holding between wanting to achieve and learning to surrender. How stillness has become both challenge and teacher. You remind me that letting go of control is never failure but a sacred doorway into grace. 🙏💖
I love the story about stopping and waiting and the triggers/the wolfs somehow turn to curiosity and the laughter! And before that your eye to eye meeting with your teacher. Rich, thick, intimate--And I learn from you! (I've stepped into classrooms and wondered what am I doing here--how do I do this but I can't imagine a room of kinds throwing backpacks etc. You're liek to sir with love!
Those could be the same… I can see that. I get the part about being sick of your own words when teaching and being in a between place. I call it the pregnant darkness , though I’m sure I didn’t coin the phrase. My memory has conveniently misplaced where I heard it first. Every one I know is in it except one, and she is just now breaking out in brilliance. When I speak with her I tell myself that I’m next. The 1st novel is with a small press and an agent. Waiting to hear. That sound is my fingers drumming. Will I do a hybrid press? IDK. In the meantime I’m back into the 2nd novel and terrified that the story is too big for my britches. My mantra is: it doesn’t have to be good yet. I wasted an hour doing unnecessary research this morning then decided not to use it. Then I wrote the scene that was scaring me. So, that’s how that’s going. Sooo, I’m having a blast?
You made me laugh. Until that moment it was all yelling in the worst teacher-of-the-year impression. The only way it could have been worse is if they hadn’t laughed at me. Thanks, though. As you know, once I could see my trigger, the practice part began. That part took years.
I love love how you describe this journey. And also now, after you finished the book, now what? I am at a sort of an in between place too. I just taught a retreat and the people were great and place magical but I find that I’m exaughsted and I repeat myself. I’m so sick of my own words and wondering if I’m giving them enough. blah blah…Who doesn’t like me…
(Some how spell check translated my “exhausted” as straight edged!” haha!)
Susan, fantastic piece. I would have loved to have you as a teacher. This "Our American myth is very much about achievement in a culture that worships dominance. A culture of bullying that makes things happen through manipulation or force."
So sad and true.
I love your soft waiting, feeling, listening for what inspires you... beautiful. Thank you.
Okay, first of all, I love wolves. And I love this piece! The way you see the patterns and what's beneath those patterns is a superpower, Susan. Like you, for a while (in a previous life), I taught grade seven. What a gorgeous memory of allowing your decision to let go of dominance reveal another possibility: spontaneous, shared laughter as a love language. I'm intrigued to learn more about your work in progress.
Thanks Robin! It’s all about letting go of dominance. It’s the work we face in the broader culture too. It like the big question is: can you let go of dominance even if you’re terrified?
Yes, Queen! You crack me up. Divinity has to emerge through you, be colored by your proclivities, life experiences, and talents. It's not God, and you are out of the way. This isn't 'kill the ego,' which is such a male-domination POV. It's love as you, warts and all. Perhaps I might have said Emergence? in response to our emergency?
I’m intrigued by your use of eminence instead of the usual polarity, transcendence & immanence. It works so well! When we acknowledge our immanence, we enter into our full sovereignty, in liberty not for the sake of control. Thank you, Your Eminence!
I came here from Jody Day re-stacking. Your piece moved me. I am currently reading Women Who Run With the Wolves and I feel I was meant to read your piece. I am currently going through a lesson of surrender. Recognising that I have very little control. I can not cling. I can not deny. I can not try to manipulate for short term gains. I just need to relax all muscles. Loosen my grip and surrender. As you know, it's hard!
It always last one minute longer than I have strength, which is kinda the joke. As long as I’m “doing it,” I still need to stop and then stop stopping. Trust yourself. It will open out into freedom. Right action follows, if any action is required. Wait for clarity. Thank you for reading and commenting. I so appreciate that.
Deeply moved by your story of NOT reacting to the internal voices from a bullying father. I grew up in a violent home too, and I'm often shocked to feel/hear the voice of violence when my adorable puppy is being naughty, or feel a strong urge to strike him. I don't, but the presence of that urge always shakes me to my core. It also makes me feel deep compassion for my dead mother, who grew up in a violent home; for every time she hit me (she was not the main bully), I wonder how many times she held back, appalled by her intentions? Really tender piece today, thank you x
Really tender response. I have also been appalled by the urges I had toward my beloved dog. They filled me with self-loathing. Of course the trigger: That’s It, was what my father said just before he indulged himself, though he would have said he lost control. After seeing the pattern, I could choose to watch it rather than act it out. That’s freedom.
I can certainly relate to "doing stillness to get an outcome." Never quite works out. This piece is quite thought provoking, Susan. It's a true gift to be able to be present and not default into a reaction.
I just watched a doc about schools doing active shooter preparedness, so I'm deeply engrossed in a "damn, teachers have it hard" state of mind.
I'm just saying it, teachers need to be paid like pro baseball players, or actors, or the like. For they get the thankless job of raising kids because the parents don't know how. All I can say, Susan, you're a saint. And what a powerful lesson to just stop. To watch what is underneath the next words or action that wants to express. To just stop. Until we all learn this, we will continue to push onward, forward and upwards in an ongoing search of the next best thing. When all along its been right here, underneath it all. We just need to stop. And some compassion here... the momentum is quite strong. As you said we didn't write this story, it's been going for millennia. Yet, maybe, just maybe, the momentum is wasting and burning itself out. Maybe, just maybe we are at that point of stopping...
I think we are at the point of stopping. So many of us know this now. I may be a hopeless optimist, but I think we are at a tipping point where there are enough of us to make a difference. We can’t continue on the way we’ve been going. Thank you for your kind words.
I love this so much I can’t stand it. Recently I stopped and even stopped stopping about a thing - i released the story and sat still. A voice said no urgency. It will happen without you. And it did. If I allow it everything unfolds - and does not need my interference just my stillness and presence. As to anger I am allowed anger! And when it arises as you say and says “that’s it” I practice staying still and allow what is -including the energy -to move like waves even a tsunami that then turns to ripples and at last dissolves into the stillness of a pond. Beautiful piece, Susan.
You respond with a poem! So clear. So beautiful. Sometimes, for me at least, I have to remind myself that struggle comes when I move from reaction rather than stillness. You are a sister.
If I were brave, I would have quit. One day, I saw a substitute leaving at lunch. She said, "You couldn't pay me enough to do this." That's what my body was telling me to do, but I overrode my body because of fears about the mortgage - and what failure would mean about me. I didn't become brave until later. I was better once I got to high school, healing childhood trauma all the time. By the time I got to continuation high school, I knew how to be with them. As you say, honesty was the key. And respect. Not only for them but for myself, too.
My srudents were older, 9-11th grade, most a year behind. My first year, they were illiterate in the 10th grade. I don't even remember what I did but I tried to be honest with them. It was not good. You are brave.
I love your mythological mind. LOVE it. Your teacher is as wise as they come. It is really losing control, or is it acknowledging and accepting that we have no control? That was the lesson I had to learn, and keep learning when I find myself slipping into fear. I have no control, except over my own actions. No quitting allowed, my dear one. We need you, your wisdom, your light, and your deep embrace of darkness. Fear, get behind me. xo
I love your mind and the way you string words together that rope me in to your mind and world of seeing things! This was beautiful and I so resonated with all of it 😭
Thank you so much, for quoting it, for getting it. You made my day.
Susan, your mythic story and descent is deeply moving. Oh, I can hear the tension you're holding between wanting to achieve and learning to surrender. How stillness has become both challenge and teacher. You remind me that letting go of control is never failure but a sacred doorway into grace. 🙏💖
Beautiful. Today you are my teacher. I'm stepping through that doorway. Thank you, Deborah.
Susan,
I love the story about stopping and waiting and the triggers/the wolfs somehow turn to curiosity and the laughter! And before that your eye to eye meeting with your teacher. Rich, thick, intimate--And I learn from you! (I've stepped into classrooms and wondered what am I doing here--how do I do this but I can't imagine a room of kinds throwing backpacks etc. You're liek to sir with love!
Those could be the same… I can see that. I get the part about being sick of your own words when teaching and being in a between place. I call it the pregnant darkness , though I’m sure I didn’t coin the phrase. My memory has conveniently misplaced where I heard it first. Every one I know is in it except one, and she is just now breaking out in brilliance. When I speak with her I tell myself that I’m next. The 1st novel is with a small press and an agent. Waiting to hear. That sound is my fingers drumming. Will I do a hybrid press? IDK. In the meantime I’m back into the 2nd novel and terrified that the story is too big for my britches. My mantra is: it doesn’t have to be good yet. I wasted an hour doing unnecessary research this morning then decided not to use it. Then I wrote the scene that was scaring me. So, that’s how that’s going. Sooo, I’m having a blast?
You made me laugh. Until that moment it was all yelling in the worst teacher-of-the-year impression. The only way it could have been worse is if they hadn’t laughed at me. Thanks, though. As you know, once I could see my trigger, the practice part began. That part took years.
I love love how you describe this journey. And also now, after you finished the book, now what? I am at a sort of an in between place too. I just taught a retreat and the people were great and place magical but I find that I’m exaughsted and I repeat myself. I’m so sick of my own words and wondering if I’m giving them enough. blah blah…Who doesn’t like me…
(Some how spell check translated my “exhausted” as straight edged!” haha!)
Susan, fantastic piece. I would have loved to have you as a teacher. This "Our American myth is very much about achievement in a culture that worships dominance. A culture of bullying that makes things happen through manipulation or force."
So sad and true.
I love your soft waiting, feeling, listening for what inspires you... beautiful. Thank you.
Thanks, Prajna, so much. I love this response. For me, now, it's all about how this plays out in the larger culture. Your opinion means so much to me.
I hear you!
Okay, first of all, I love wolves. And I love this piece! The way you see the patterns and what's beneath those patterns is a superpower, Susan. Like you, for a while (in a previous life), I taught grade seven. What a gorgeous memory of allowing your decision to let go of dominance reveal another possibility: spontaneous, shared laughter as a love language. I'm intrigued to learn more about your work in progress.
Thanks Robin! It’s all about letting go of dominance. It’s the work we face in the broader culture too. It like the big question is: can you let go of dominance even if you’re terrified?
Here you give such a great example!
Ooooh. So true. It’s not for the faint of heart. 💜
I agree, seeing the patterns and what is beneath is a superpower, Susan! Pausing, for as long as is needed, a superhuman strength.
Yes, Queen! You crack me up. Divinity has to emerge through you, be colored by your proclivities, life experiences, and talents. It's not God, and you are out of the way. This isn't 'kill the ego,' which is such a male-domination POV. It's love as you, warts and all. Perhaps I might have said Emergence? in response to our emergency?
I’m intrigued by your use of eminence instead of the usual polarity, transcendence & immanence. It works so well! When we acknowledge our immanence, we enter into our full sovereignty, in liberty not for the sake of control. Thank you, Your Eminence!
This story was bonkers! What a beautiful concept of pause and surrender. I will be thinking about this for a long time 🩶
Thank you Lyns. Thanks for commenting. I loved your post this week. I’m still thinking about that. I
I came here from Jody Day re-stacking. Your piece moved me. I am currently reading Women Who Run With the Wolves and I feel I was meant to read your piece. I am currently going through a lesson of surrender. Recognising that I have very little control. I can not cling. I can not deny. I can not try to manipulate for short term gains. I just need to relax all muscles. Loosen my grip and surrender. As you know, it's hard!
It always last one minute longer than I have strength, which is kinda the joke. As long as I’m “doing it,” I still need to stop and then stop stopping. Trust yourself. It will open out into freedom. Right action follows, if any action is required. Wait for clarity. Thank you for reading and commenting. I so appreciate that.
Deeply moved by your story of NOT reacting to the internal voices from a bullying father. I grew up in a violent home too, and I'm often shocked to feel/hear the voice of violence when my adorable puppy is being naughty, or feel a strong urge to strike him. I don't, but the presence of that urge always shakes me to my core. It also makes me feel deep compassion for my dead mother, who grew up in a violent home; for every time she hit me (she was not the main bully), I wonder how many times she held back, appalled by her intentions? Really tender piece today, thank you x
Really tender response. I have also been appalled by the urges I had toward my beloved dog. They filled me with self-loathing. Of course the trigger: That’s It, was what my father said just before he indulged himself, though he would have said he lost control. After seeing the pattern, I could choose to watch it rather than act it out. That’s freedom.
I can certainly relate to "doing stillness to get an outcome." Never quite works out. This piece is quite thought provoking, Susan. It's a true gift to be able to be present and not default into a reaction.
I just watched a doc about schools doing active shooter preparedness, so I'm deeply engrossed in a "damn, teachers have it hard" state of mind.
Thanks Eileen. Doing stillness is such an odd combination of words. The whole problem is in that.
I'm just saying it, teachers need to be paid like pro baseball players, or actors, or the like. For they get the thankless job of raising kids because the parents don't know how. All I can say, Susan, you're a saint. And what a powerful lesson to just stop. To watch what is underneath the next words or action that wants to express. To just stop. Until we all learn this, we will continue to push onward, forward and upwards in an ongoing search of the next best thing. When all along its been right here, underneath it all. We just need to stop. And some compassion here... the momentum is quite strong. As you said we didn't write this story, it's been going for millennia. Yet, maybe, just maybe, the momentum is wasting and burning itself out. Maybe, just maybe we are at that point of stopping...
I think we are at the point of stopping. So many of us know this now. I may be a hopeless optimist, but I think we are at a tipping point where there are enough of us to make a difference. We can’t continue on the way we’ve been going. Thank you for your kind words.
I love this so much I can’t stand it. Recently I stopped and even stopped stopping about a thing - i released the story and sat still. A voice said no urgency. It will happen without you. And it did. If I allow it everything unfolds - and does not need my interference just my stillness and presence. As to anger I am allowed anger! And when it arises as you say and says “that’s it” I practice staying still and allow what is -including the energy -to move like waves even a tsunami that then turns to ripples and at last dissolves into the stillness of a pond. Beautiful piece, Susan.
You respond with a poem! So clear. So beautiful. Sometimes, for me at least, I have to remind myself that struggle comes when I move from reaction rather than stillness. You are a sister.
If I were brave, I would have quit. One day, I saw a substitute leaving at lunch. She said, "You couldn't pay me enough to do this." That's what my body was telling me to do, but I overrode my body because of fears about the mortgage - and what failure would mean about me. I didn't become brave until later. I was better once I got to high school, healing childhood trauma all the time. By the time I got to continuation high school, I knew how to be with them. As you say, honesty was the key. And respect. Not only for them but for myself, too.
I finally did quit and ended up at a better school. Took me three years though. Those kids were my last group at that horribly run middle school.
I could not quit either. No job skills. Worked adjunct at a comm college for 17 years
My srudents were older, 9-11th grade, most a year behind. My first year, they were illiterate in the 10th grade. I don't even remember what I did but I tried to be honest with them. It was not good. You are brave.
I love your mythological mind. LOVE it. Your teacher is as wise as they come. It is really losing control, or is it acknowledging and accepting that we have no control? That was the lesson I had to learn, and keep learning when I find myself slipping into fear. I have no control, except over my own actions. No quitting allowed, my dear one. We need you, your wisdom, your light, and your deep embrace of darkness. Fear, get behind me. xo