What I have found in life is that misery is the most expensive emotion there is. That one cannot buy his or her way out of misery, no matter how much money or time one has. He or she must bravely, boldly, and fiercely get to know it, and learn to ameliorate, negotiate, etc. There are no shortcuts to this. There is so much fear and misery generally associated with dying. Now some go to extraordinary extents to glorify suffering, and demand sacrifice of all kinds of things from others in the service of any number of empires. Still. All empires die. If we refuse to befriend deaths of all kinds, including the deaths of those of the empires who declare themselves supreme (then fight to prove it), then our vision cannot become clear enough to see a joyful life for ourselves or others.
This:If you die before you die, then when you won’t die, you won’t have to die.Well said.
and this: I trust suffering so much, I'll lend you some. So funny--and I've never heard it like this.
and:One convenient suicide that halts a powder-keg trial is suspicious. Two, following an identical pattern screams “execution.” Flowing brilliance.
There's such a rich combination of surprising phrases along with the underlying shout, Wake up now! See. See! And there's the tenderness of someone who knows suffering...also that this writing rides on...
Thanks. I’ve written one play. Mostly I write novels. When I’m figuring out a character, I’ll jump to their most terrible moment and write monologues. Then like a mad woman I walk the beach or the hills speaking them and making changes. Adding things. I’m a whole-body writer, I guess. Embodying voice. I’m a walker.
I adore this as a prompt, jump to their terrible moment—and so cool that you talk to yourself madly in wild places. (when we make the documentary of your life I’ll have to remember that ;-) Whole body writing!!!
I like that as a title: Talking to Myself Madly in Wild Places. When I try to write from the neck up, what comes out is terrible. Bodies, though, don't lie. I wish everyone knew that they could trust their bodies.
Such rich responses. I’m very grateful. I’d love it if we could embrace suffering, especially at end of life. I hope I’m brave and willing when my time comes.
Do you write plays? I feel like some of what you write—it’s a person speaking—and then there’d be another person—and so on. Anyway, I could see some of it staged—I mean just women in a kitchen or on the chair lift or …Of course your writing is incredible a sit is—and I see many are responding and I’m so happy about that. You give so much!
I am, in general, not afraid of death. Everything stops then. (Maybe...as far as I know...) But I am terrified of suffering. My childhood was fraught and I lived on high alert and in fear for 20 years. I know you understand this because of your own history. I couldn't embrace (or accept it) as a child and I still have trouble accepting suffering now. It's not that I think it will end in annihilation. (Annihilation would be a relief.) It's just that it HURTS. I don't really know how to get past that.
I don’t either. The only thing I know is that my intention is to be present and honest with the people I love. When I gave birth, the physical pain made me run crazy and my trauma made me dissociate when the panic became too much. I only know I don’t want to repeat that. I’m not like that anymore. When I breathe into the suffering in the willingness to be there, the pain doesn’t have terror all through it. It also isn’t as painful, and I find I can tolerate it. One breath at a time.
Your essay makes me reflect on all that has gone wrong to get us to this point, Susan.
We are so busy trying to remake, to perfect ourselves, I think sometimes we forget that imperfection is part of Nature and part of human nature. And by trying ever harder to be perfect, we paper over the real lessons that imperfection can show us in life--kindness, compassion, forgiveness, appreciation, patience, generosity, acceptance in ourselves and others. Dare I say, love?
Those billionaire bruhs busy trying to manufacture life eternal so they may rule forever are just the most visible manifestations of that drive to control and perfect Nature--biological and, increasingly, machine-driven.
I wonder if, on their deathbeds (for we all must die--to be reborn, as you point out) say to themselves, if only I had a few more days I would be worth a few more billions? Or might they, in their dying breath wish they had loved more? A question we might all want to ask ourselves every day we get to open our eyes to this amazing world, for all its imperfections.
Lovely Robin. Most people in our death-phobic culture die so heavily medicated they are practically in an induced coma. I think we also forget we are born into already existing cultural systems. How different would we be if nurturance were our god? Monotheistic patriarchal capitalism is a culture of domination, but that’s not human nature or every culture would be like that. But they aren’t. We heal this collective trauma by following the same steps an individual follows. The dance is ancient, and something larger than our egos knows the steps. I take heart.
"I hope we make something beautiful, life-affirming for humans and non-humans alike. Something Earth-supporting, because she, Nature, is the divine feminine. I hope we take our roles as stewards very seriously and begin really taking care of our environment and one another (no matter our pigmentation or sexual orientation), for future generations - for we are Nature, too."
I'm feeling the hope and the love in this piece, Susan. Thank you for your fearless exploration of the death and creation cycle. So relevant. ✨💜
Thank you Robin. There is hope, I think, but it lives on the other side of this descent we are still experiencing. A new low was reached today, yet we still have more depth to reach.
From the age of 9 I have been told that a physical characteristic of mine would kill me. For years I tried to change it, but over the past ten years (hmm, menopause?) I’ve gradually given up that pursuit, taking more interest in actual life at hand. But I have resented being warned of my impending death from such a young age, and wondered how that shadow contributed to my health changes. At 61, I have shoveled myself out of the deepest snows of my life (literally), and find I am still here, alive and what’s more, capable of joy. Thanks for putting words to that last part; when you’re dead anyway, you can get on with living. We have nothing but each other.
That’s right. I celebrate your journey, a master class in impermanance. I say: Thank the gods for menopause. There’s something so clarifying about it. It’s a fire, for sure. I wouldn’t go back to my pre-menopausal mind. Joy is my quality, too. I live out loud. I love my life because I know it’s temporary.
This is a great piece full of wisdom and insights. These thoughts are hard won. I recently went through an illness and what you called conscious suffering’I had to learn. A Kate Bowler blessing offered the following phrase as guidance: Blessed are we who allow our hearts to break. It is a skill I need a lot these days.
Brilliant Dr. Damiani! Thank you. How wonderful you don’t cloak yourself in competence and invinsibility as so many doctors do. Kate Bowler is a great teacher. Illness is a great teacher, too. The world will break our hearts whether we allow it or not, so I agree with your wisdom. Why not allow it? Riches of Joy and love, of truth and peace, and all the qualities we call divine are on the other side. But my favorite one these days is right action. In clarity we know what to do, and what not to do.
Really appreciated this post Susan, thank you. Much of what you say reminds me of what Resmaa Menakem says in The Quaking of America. We need to process our fear somatically, in the body, to stay rooted in the present, rather than be reacting to fear. I loved this quote from you, “And this is what patriarchy is: the terror of death masquerading as power over it, controlling the world through systems.” 💯
You cut right to the chase, Nancy. That’s the core of it, and why we have allowed it for so long when we’ve known of the abuses. Secretly, we fear the world is a terrible place and we need terrible people to protect us from it. No story the mind is telling is real or true. Reactions are not true either. The trustworthy one is the body, because bodies don’t lie. Bodies don’t do spiritual bypass, either. And when we face the terror of death conditioned into us by our culture, we are free. Our culture is a lie. That may seem like bad news, but it isn’t. Thank you for your thoughtful response.
"the world is a terrible place and we need terrible people to protect us from it" Ooof. I have tried to understand the people who voted for this and continue to support it, and you just handed me a key.
Yes agree. Just would add a clarification that white supremacy culture is the lie (and is the patriarchy). That culture is a death cult. Bodies of culture (people of the global majority) have resisted the global empire of white bodies through art, music, movement, etc….
As I wrote recently on substack (dustcube / Roy Williams), I paraphrase:
"Panzi! fear and fascism, Panzi!" Fear is the only currency '47' has, and it's finally becoming obvious to more people, that the "Emperor has no clothes" (not that there's anything wrong with nudity, there's a time and a place for everything - under heaven.
Thank you, Susan, for having the courage to write this out, in chapter and verse.
Holy Mother of God. I could underline this entire essay. Your wit and truth-telling are exceptional. Have you read Octavia Butler, I may have asked you this. The Parable of the Sower outlines all that is happening now. I couldn't put it down. Riveting like your writing is. The emphasis on prepare to die — is real. Thank you, wise Crone.
Yes. I was pulled into Parable of the Sower about six months ago. Loved it so much, and couldn’t believe I’d missed it for so long. It’s not my usual genre, but then Octavia Butler was a genius. Thanks so much Prajna. I think enough of us are aware, now, that we can see what’s happening, suffer the death consciously, grieve and then rebuild something matri-focal and supporting of all life. Once we put aside our terror of death, we will want to love.
This gave me something close to hope. Thank you for mentioning Andrea Gibson...they really modeled a graceful way to live and to die. I'll have to reread this a few more times but I'm already soaking in the truth of it all.
Someone once said FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real. We certainly have been fed a steady diet of false evidence. I feel that more and more people are waking up to this. I believe the patriarchy WILL fail and fall down …. hard. But we will survive!
I like that idea, a self-conscious addict. Sounds better than an unconscious addict. Yes! That’s what I would say too. Let’s test that theory. If you die before you die, and all that.
I agree. That’s the existential question. WILL WE SURVIVE? That’s the terror of death. That’s what has, up until now, kept us in check. I love it when someone responds with a saying from recovery circles (FEAR), because we are culturally in that moment when the addict realizes that anything, even death, is better than the way things are. I know what I would say to that addict. LET’S FIND OUT.
Indeed. I said that to someone I have always held dear. Now (decades later) I finally realise it's true. (Addiction is many things, but it always comes with a lesson or two.) My partner was a 'self-conscious addict' - we don't even seem to have a proper word for it!
I agree. And I love your straightforward way of saying that the empire is collapsing, our main systems of "doing business" are dying. I don't fear this. It's time. Super uncomfortable, but necessary for metamorphosis. and this happening on both a global and personal level.
It is! That’s why I recommend building our tolerance for suffering. Some shy away from that word, saying suffering is optional but I don’t think it is.
Yes! It’s global. It’s so easy for us in the US to focus only on ourselves because we are leading the way (again) with the Trump regime being so out of control. Plus the Epstein enterprise was centered here. If we do that, though, we miss the larger picture. Ecological collapse is mirroring the collapse of our collective ego, our systems of control - which is what an ego is. I call that patriarchy, but I also call it our terror of death, because controlling that is patriarchy’s job. We’re going to be better off without that.
Brilliant. Thank you. ❤️
What I have found in life is that misery is the most expensive emotion there is. That one cannot buy his or her way out of misery, no matter how much money or time one has. He or she must bravely, boldly, and fiercely get to know it, and learn to ameliorate, negotiate, etc. There are no shortcuts to this. There is so much fear and misery generally associated with dying. Now some go to extraordinary extents to glorify suffering, and demand sacrifice of all kinds of things from others in the service of any number of empires. Still. All empires die. If we refuse to befriend deaths of all kinds, including the deaths of those of the empires who declare themselves supreme (then fight to prove it), then our vision cannot become clear enough to see a joyful life for ourselves or others.
So wise. All empires die, personal and collective. Better to become interested in who dies. In that inquiry Death is the master teacher.
This:If you die before you die, then when you won’t die, you won’t have to die.Well said.
and this: I trust suffering so much, I'll lend you some. So funny--and I've never heard it like this.
and:One convenient suicide that halts a powder-keg trial is suspicious. Two, following an identical pattern screams “execution.” Flowing brilliance.
There's such a rich combination of surprising phrases along with the underlying shout, Wake up now! See. See! And there's the tenderness of someone who knows suffering...also that this writing rides on...
Thanks. I’ve written one play. Mostly I write novels. When I’m figuring out a character, I’ll jump to their most terrible moment and write monologues. Then like a mad woman I walk the beach or the hills speaking them and making changes. Adding things. I’m a whole-body writer, I guess. Embodying voice. I’m a walker.
I adore this as a prompt, jump to their terrible moment—and so cool that you talk to yourself madly in wild places. (when we make the documentary of your life I’ll have to remember that ;-) Whole body writing!!!
I like that as a title: Talking to Myself Madly in Wild Places. When I try to write from the neck up, what comes out is terrible. Bodies, though, don't lie. I wish everyone knew that they could trust their bodies.
I love it as a title! And a practice!
Such rich responses. I’m very grateful. I’d love it if we could embrace suffering, especially at end of life. I hope I’m brave and willing when my time comes.
Do you write plays? I feel like some of what you write—it’s a person speaking—and then there’d be another person—and so on. Anyway, I could see some of it staged—I mean just women in a kitchen or on the chair lift or …Of course your writing is incredible a sit is—and I see many are responding and I’m so happy about that. You give so much!
I am, in general, not afraid of death. Everything stops then. (Maybe...as far as I know...) But I am terrified of suffering. My childhood was fraught and I lived on high alert and in fear for 20 years. I know you understand this because of your own history. I couldn't embrace (or accept it) as a child and I still have trouble accepting suffering now. It's not that I think it will end in annihilation. (Annihilation would be a relief.) It's just that it HURTS. I don't really know how to get past that.
I don’t either. The only thing I know is that my intention is to be present and honest with the people I love. When I gave birth, the physical pain made me run crazy and my trauma made me dissociate when the panic became too much. I only know I don’t want to repeat that. I’m not like that anymore. When I breathe into the suffering in the willingness to be there, the pain doesn’t have terror all through it. It also isn’t as painful, and I find I can tolerate it. One breath at a time.
Your essay makes me reflect on all that has gone wrong to get us to this point, Susan.
We are so busy trying to remake, to perfect ourselves, I think sometimes we forget that imperfection is part of Nature and part of human nature. And by trying ever harder to be perfect, we paper over the real lessons that imperfection can show us in life--kindness, compassion, forgiveness, appreciation, patience, generosity, acceptance in ourselves and others. Dare I say, love?
Those billionaire bruhs busy trying to manufacture life eternal so they may rule forever are just the most visible manifestations of that drive to control and perfect Nature--biological and, increasingly, machine-driven.
I wonder if, on their deathbeds (for we all must die--to be reborn, as you point out) say to themselves, if only I had a few more days I would be worth a few more billions? Or might they, in their dying breath wish they had loved more? A question we might all want to ask ourselves every day we get to open our eyes to this amazing world, for all its imperfections.
Lovely Robin. Most people in our death-phobic culture die so heavily medicated they are practically in an induced coma. I think we also forget we are born into already existing cultural systems. How different would we be if nurturance were our god? Monotheistic patriarchal capitalism is a culture of domination, but that’s not human nature or every culture would be like that. But they aren’t. We heal this collective trauma by following the same steps an individual follows. The dance is ancient, and something larger than our egos knows the steps. I take heart.
Agreed. It takes heart--and healing. May it be so!
"I hope we make something beautiful, life-affirming for humans and non-humans alike. Something Earth-supporting, because she, Nature, is the divine feminine. I hope we take our roles as stewards very seriously and begin really taking care of our environment and one another (no matter our pigmentation or sexual orientation), for future generations - for we are Nature, too."
I'm feeling the hope and the love in this piece, Susan. Thank you for your fearless exploration of the death and creation cycle. So relevant. ✨💜
Thank you Robin. There is hope, I think, but it lives on the other side of this descent we are still experiencing. A new low was reached today, yet we still have more depth to reach.
From the age of 9 I have been told that a physical characteristic of mine would kill me. For years I tried to change it, but over the past ten years (hmm, menopause?) I’ve gradually given up that pursuit, taking more interest in actual life at hand. But I have resented being warned of my impending death from such a young age, and wondered how that shadow contributed to my health changes. At 61, I have shoveled myself out of the deepest snows of my life (literally), and find I am still here, alive and what’s more, capable of joy. Thanks for putting words to that last part; when you’re dead anyway, you can get on with living. We have nothing but each other.
That’s right. I celebrate your journey, a master class in impermanance. I say: Thank the gods for menopause. There’s something so clarifying about it. It’s a fire, for sure. I wouldn’t go back to my pre-menopausal mind. Joy is my quality, too. I live out loud. I love my life because I know it’s temporary.
This is a great piece full of wisdom and insights. These thoughts are hard won. I recently went through an illness and what you called conscious suffering’I had to learn. A Kate Bowler blessing offered the following phrase as guidance: Blessed are we who allow our hearts to break. It is a skill I need a lot these days.
Brilliant Dr. Damiani! Thank you. How wonderful you don’t cloak yourself in competence and invinsibility as so many doctors do. Kate Bowler is a great teacher. Illness is a great teacher, too. The world will break our hearts whether we allow it or not, so I agree with your wisdom. Why not allow it? Riches of Joy and love, of truth and peace, and all the qualities we call divine are on the other side. But my favorite one these days is right action. In clarity we know what to do, and what not to do.
Really appreciated this post Susan, thank you. Much of what you say reminds me of what Resmaa Menakem says in The Quaking of America. We need to process our fear somatically, in the body, to stay rooted in the present, rather than be reacting to fear. I loved this quote from you, “And this is what patriarchy is: the terror of death masquerading as power over it, controlling the world through systems.” 💯
I agree. Here, that’s what it’s about. White men. I would also say that other men are fine being superior to women too.
You cut right to the chase, Nancy. That’s the core of it, and why we have allowed it for so long when we’ve known of the abuses. Secretly, we fear the world is a terrible place and we need terrible people to protect us from it. No story the mind is telling is real or true. Reactions are not true either. The trustworthy one is the body, because bodies don’t lie. Bodies don’t do spiritual bypass, either. And when we face the terror of death conditioned into us by our culture, we are free. Our culture is a lie. That may seem like bad news, but it isn’t. Thank you for your thoughtful response.
"the world is a terrible place and we need terrible people to protect us from it" Ooof. I have tried to understand the people who voted for this and continue to support it, and you just handed me a key.
It’s terror.
Yes agree. Just would add a clarification that white supremacy culture is the lie (and is the patriarchy). That culture is a death cult. Bodies of culture (people of the global majority) have resisted the global empire of white bodies through art, music, movement, etc….
Fantastic piece. Just subscribed. I value my own encounters with mortality. They have given me a sense of freedom I wouldn’t have otherwise had. 🌹
Freedom. That’s it. My primary quality is joy.
Just woken up in the middle of the night to this beautiful piece of asynchrony. What a treat!
As I wrote recently on substack (dustcube / Roy Williams), I paraphrase:
"Panzi! fear and fascism, Panzi!" Fear is the only currency '47' has, and it's finally becoming obvious to more people, that the "Emperor has no clothes" (not that there's anything wrong with nudity, there's a time and a place for everything - under heaven.
Thank you, Susan, for having the courage to write this out, in chapter and verse.
Love to, Roy. My privilege. He’s toast.
Holy Mother of God. I could underline this entire essay. Your wit and truth-telling are exceptional. Have you read Octavia Butler, I may have asked you this. The Parable of the Sower outlines all that is happening now. I couldn't put it down. Riveting like your writing is. The emphasis on prepare to die — is real. Thank you, wise Crone.
Yes. I was pulled into Parable of the Sower about six months ago. Loved it so much, and couldn’t believe I’d missed it for so long. It’s not my usual genre, but then Octavia Butler was a genius. Thanks so much Prajna. I think enough of us are aware, now, that we can see what’s happening, suffer the death consciously, grieve and then rebuild something matri-focal and supporting of all life. Once we put aside our terror of death, we will want to love.
Yes, yes, yes! xo
This gave me something close to hope. Thank you for mentioning Andrea Gibson...they really modeled a graceful way to live and to die. I'll have to reread this a few more times but I'm already soaking in the truth of it all.
Thank you Eileen. Your words mean so much to me. I think Andrea Gibson showed us all the way. Their life could be the instruction manuel.
Someone once said FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real. We certainly have been fed a steady diet of false evidence. I feel that more and more people are waking up to this. I believe the patriarchy WILL fail and fall down …. hard. But we will survive!
I like that idea, a self-conscious addict. Sounds better than an unconscious addict. Yes! That’s what I would say too. Let’s test that theory. If you die before you die, and all that.
I agree. That’s the existential question. WILL WE SURVIVE? That’s the terror of death. That’s what has, up until now, kept us in check. I love it when someone responds with a saying from recovery circles (FEAR), because we are culturally in that moment when the addict realizes that anything, even death, is better than the way things are. I know what I would say to that addict. LET’S FIND OUT.
Indeed. I said that to someone I have always held dear. Now (decades later) I finally realise it's true. (Addiction is many things, but it always comes with a lesson or two.) My partner was a 'self-conscious addict' - we don't even seem to have a proper word for it!
I agree. And I love your straightforward way of saying that the empire is collapsing, our main systems of "doing business" are dying. I don't fear this. It's time. Super uncomfortable, but necessary for metamorphosis. and this happening on both a global and personal level.
Lisa, 'metamorphosis is an uncomfortable business' Wonderful!
Truth!!!!
It is! That’s why I recommend building our tolerance for suffering. Some shy away from that word, saying suffering is optional but I don’t think it is.
Yes! It’s global. It’s so easy for us in the US to focus only on ourselves because we are leading the way (again) with the Trump regime being so out of control. Plus the Epstein enterprise was centered here. If we do that, though, we miss the larger picture. Ecological collapse is mirroring the collapse of our collective ego, our systems of control - which is what an ego is. I call that patriarchy, but I also call it our terror of death, because controlling that is patriarchy’s job. We’re going to be better off without that.