Holy crapola!!! You've done it again. Susan. after reading your awesome essay on the grandmother class today, I went back to read some of your older essays. I discovered this one. As you may or may not recall, my father also died a mysterious death when I was 17, likely suicide. Therefore, your essay hit me hard.
Oh! First, of course I remember you. There aren’t that many of us who lost our fathers at the same age in such similar ways. The Merrimack river I love is in north east Massachusetts, a little town called Amesbury. Thanks, too, for your kind words.
Thanks to Eileen for the introduction. And thanks to all the powers of the universe for bringing you to a place of fighting for yourself. And good for you for taking up the challenge!
Thank you! And thanks so much for commenting. Oh, Joseph didn't cure me. I had to do the difficult work of recovery myself. It was hard work. He was gasoline on an already burning fire. Then, there was no other choice. Every issue of my childhood was wrapped up in the ending of that relationship. It was heal or die.
Wow! I too had a recurring vampire killer nightmare when I was a teen, and I too had father abandonment issues, and somehow I never put those two things together until now. I’ll have to chat with my therapist about that. I’m sorry Joseph was an idiot, but I’m glad the experience has helped you grow. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks, Amanda. Deep initiation, those recurring nightmares. For me, the vampire and father abandonment weren't connected. I didn't feel his abandonment until he died, probably by suicide. The dreams occurred before my father died and were reenacted after his death through Joseph when it was time to face all the issues. For me, there was something overtly sexual about the violence of that dream figure. Though I didn't lean on it in this story, the recurring vampire was about the danger in my house, which was almost literally the house of dark shadows, the violence, and the sexual misconduct. Our house was so erotically charged, it wasn't safe for me as a girl. Healing that took decades. So, in a way, Joseph's sudden death was an initiation, too, a beginning.
Yes I did understand that the vampire dreams were a precursor to the rest. Or perhaps just happened before. I’m so sorry you didn’t feel safe at home. That’s terrible. I’m glad you feel safe enough to share now.
Exactly right. It just kept bringing me re-fathers until I cried UNCLE. When I declared I was through with men, suddenly my roomate was being stalked by her abusive husband. sheesh.
Powerful journey Susan! The links and connections that moved through your earlier years are the stories that inspire myth. The vampire aspect is significant. The draining of life's blood, the sucking out of life energy - while also being exotic, sexy and alluring. A mix right out of hell. And I must admit, I love me a vampire or two. And I loved Dark Shadows, Barnabas Collins was surly tempting. Glad you met your monster, and found a home in yourself.
Thanks, Julie! I feel there's also a connection to the broader culture with vampire pedophiles sucking the innocence out of sacrificial virgins just because it makes them feel powerful. There's something numinous in the evil that feeds on children.
True. Joseph and I were both definitely playing at being adults, which is not the same as actually being one. Tom was an adult when I met him, and kindly wait for me to grow up, which wasn’t easy for either of us. I’m not designed for traditional marriage either. Fortunately, ours became a contract of mutual support, and still it got rocky there for a while. It’s easy now that we are old.
Yes. I'm very interested in this. I'm pretty sure that if a partner wasn't going to replay my trauma, I wasn't interested at all. Right to the friend zone. I was looking for that zing! That sparkle. That's what I was calling love. It bit me every time until I didn't need it anymore. Then I married a different type of father —a good father, but still a father. We had to renegotiate our marriage around year 7 so I could stop taking the position of the child and grow up. My whole life was centered around healing the past until maybe 15 years ago? IKD I'd have to think about the timing more. I'm always interested in other people's experiences.
I think the problem of my first marriage is that both of us wanted to be the child. There are familial reasons for that, and my ex is not a bad person at all, only not the one. Actually, I don’t think I am cut out for marriage. Both of my marriages were exit strategies to get away from home. Not a good reason to create a binding contract.
Great piece, Susan. Sometimes, we're forced to grow, to heal, without our consent. My body had to scream at me for me to finally wake up to the thing I kept doing. Looking for mommy AND daddy in my intimate relationships. And I would find them, and reenact my dysfunction with these people I wanted love from but would never have. And one day, about a year and a half ago, I finally made the connection. It wasn't about her, she was excellent, and came from a dysfunctional family too. We were both doing our own reenactments. My body, my mind. Pain and depression, gut issues. How much louder would I have to scream at the part of me that was in denial? Well, I finally did hear, and I left and created the me I am today. I still have lots to learn about being Nan in the world. But I'm doing it. And it's amazing. Love you, my dear one. xo
It IS amazing. You are amazing. Healing the past seems so impossible, and yet, one day after another, we do. It becomes lighter. We become freer. I know the JOY you live in now. I love your courage. I was so terrified that I had to be put in a situation where I had no choice. I'm grateful now, though. You inspire me every day. Love you.
Holy crapola!!! You've done it again. Susan. after reading your awesome essay on the grandmother class today, I went back to read some of your older essays. I discovered this one. As you may or may not recall, my father also died a mysterious death when I was 17, likely suicide. Therefore, your essay hit me hard.
https://open.substack.com/pub/celestialspheres/p/capitalism-killed-my-father?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=10gwf0
You are a brilliant writer.
I do need to ask about the Merrimac River. where did you grow up? I live in Missouri, near the Merrimac River.
Oh! First, of course I remember you. There aren’t that many of us who lost our fathers at the same age in such similar ways. The Merrimack river I love is in north east Massachusetts, a little town called Amesbury. Thanks, too, for your kind words.
Thanks to Eileen for the introduction. And thanks to all the powers of the universe for bringing you to a place of fighting for yourself. And good for you for taking up the challenge!
As the great Maya Angelou said, "Wouldn't take nothing for my journey now."
I loved the mystery aspect of this. Did Joseph really cure you of that nightmare? Or was that a metaphor? Either way, captivating essay!
Thank you! And thanks so much for commenting. Oh, Joseph didn't cure me. I had to do the difficult work of recovery myself. It was hard work. He was gasoline on an already burning fire. Then, there was no other choice. Every issue of my childhood was wrapped up in the ending of that relationship. It was heal or die.
Well, your prose is beautiful in telling the stories.
Thank you!
Susan, tragically fascinating story. Sorry for how your dad disappeared.
Ghosted.
Drop dead gorgeous.
The frozen landscape crashed open.
Powerful writing.
Waking up from nightmares.
Healing as the old identity sheds.
Relatable. Happy u are here.
Thanks, Prajna. What a beautiful response.
Wow! I too had a recurring vampire killer nightmare when I was a teen, and I too had father abandonment issues, and somehow I never put those two things together until now. I’ll have to chat with my therapist about that. I’m sorry Joseph was an idiot, but I’m glad the experience has helped you grow. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks, Amanda. Deep initiation, those recurring nightmares. For me, the vampire and father abandonment weren't connected. I didn't feel his abandonment until he died, probably by suicide. The dreams occurred before my father died and were reenacted after his death through Joseph when it was time to face all the issues. For me, there was something overtly sexual about the violence of that dream figure. Though I didn't lean on it in this story, the recurring vampire was about the danger in my house, which was almost literally the house of dark shadows, the violence, and the sexual misconduct. Our house was so erotically charged, it wasn't safe for me as a girl. Healing that took decades. So, in a way, Joseph's sudden death was an initiation, too, a beginning.
Yes I did understand that the vampire dreams were a precursor to the rest. Or perhaps just happened before. I’m so sorry you didn’t feel safe at home. That’s terrible. I’m glad you feel safe enough to share now.
I think that’s the key. Thanks for your kindness.
What you give out comes back to you. Always. So I’m happy to give out kindness as often as possible. Especially to those who deserve it.
Thank you so much.
I loved this. The subconscious mind is such a crafty fucker.
Exactly right. It just kept bringing me re-fathers until I cried UNCLE. When I declared I was through with men, suddenly my roomate was being stalked by her abusive husband. sheesh.
Oh MAN. It’s like it went into the next available host body.
Right? My ego is a parasite.
Powerful journey Susan! The links and connections that moved through your earlier years are the stories that inspire myth. The vampire aspect is significant. The draining of life's blood, the sucking out of life energy - while also being exotic, sexy and alluring. A mix right out of hell. And I must admit, I love me a vampire or two. And I loved Dark Shadows, Barnabas Collins was surly tempting. Glad you met your monster, and found a home in yourself.
Thanks, Julie! I feel there's also a connection to the broader culture with vampire pedophiles sucking the innocence out of sacrificial virgins just because it makes them feel powerful. There's something numinous in the evil that feeds on children.
As IU read, I thought how much neither of my husbands was like my father, at least not in any visible way. This gives me much to think about.
True. Joseph and I were both definitely playing at being adults, which is not the same as actually being one. Tom was an adult when I met him, and kindly wait for me to grow up, which wasn’t easy for either of us. I’m not designed for traditional marriage either. Fortunately, ours became a contract of mutual support, and still it got rocky there for a while. It’s easy now that we are old.
Experience and growth make a difference.
Yes. I'm very interested in this. I'm pretty sure that if a partner wasn't going to replay my trauma, I wasn't interested at all. Right to the friend zone. I was looking for that zing! That sparkle. That's what I was calling love. It bit me every time until I didn't need it anymore. Then I married a different type of father —a good father, but still a father. We had to renegotiate our marriage around year 7 so I could stop taking the position of the child and grow up. My whole life was centered around healing the past until maybe 15 years ago? IKD I'd have to think about the timing more. I'm always interested in other people's experiences.
I think the problem of my first marriage is that both of us wanted to be the child. There are familial reasons for that, and my ex is not a bad person at all, only not the one. Actually, I don’t think I am cut out for marriage. Both of my marriages were exit strategies to get away from home. Not a good reason to create a binding contract.
Great piece, Susan. Sometimes, we're forced to grow, to heal, without our consent. My body had to scream at me for me to finally wake up to the thing I kept doing. Looking for mommy AND daddy in my intimate relationships. And I would find them, and reenact my dysfunction with these people I wanted love from but would never have. And one day, about a year and a half ago, I finally made the connection. It wasn't about her, she was excellent, and came from a dysfunctional family too. We were both doing our own reenactments. My body, my mind. Pain and depression, gut issues. How much louder would I have to scream at the part of me that was in denial? Well, I finally did hear, and I left and created the me I am today. I still have lots to learn about being Nan in the world. But I'm doing it. And it's amazing. Love you, my dear one. xo
It IS amazing. You are amazing. Healing the past seems so impossible, and yet, one day after another, we do. It becomes lighter. We become freer. I know the JOY you live in now. I love your courage. I was so terrified that I had to be put in a situation where I had no choice. I'm grateful now, though. You inspire me every day. Love you.
Oh, Susan. I inspire you? Darlin' the feeling is mutual. You have a seat in my heart that no one else could possibly occupy. I love that. xo
Me too. I’m a fangirl.